I Ate My Voice (a poem)

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.  -- Roderick Thorp 

Roderick Thorp, whose novel, The Detective - Nothing lasts forever was made into the feature film, DieHard starring Bruce Willis, has it right -- I am suspect of falling into the trap of being my own worst enemy.

At lunch the other day with a friend, I had a nibble of Baklava. "Go ahead. Have some. You deserve it." and so, I cheated. And I lost a connection to my best friend -- the one within me who wants only the best for me.

I breathe and begin again.

Always, begin again where I'm at.

I have lost 18 pounds and I am feeling great! Yet, temptation to quit, to cheat, to have one bite lurk within the next spoonful, within every step into the kitchen, every view of TV. I have never been so conscious of how often food and drink appear on TV until I've been on this diet. No wonder we are becoming a nation of eating disordered consciousness. Encouragement to eat more, starve more, diet more, get thinner, let food be the way to happiness, are everywhere!

In honour of my commitment to eat what pleases and nourishes me -- body, mind, spirit and heart, I wrote the following to celebrate my commitment to Always Begin Again -- and celebrate where I'm at. Where I'm at is my journey of being exactly where I am, letting go of those things and thoughts and ideas that do not celebrate where I'm at.

I Ate My Voice

by Louise Gallagher

I ate my voice today

stuffed it down

beneath layers of grilled salmon

and mixed greens

beneath a nibble of dessert

I didn’t want

but chose to eat

anyway

I ate my voice

and was consumed

by sadness

knowing

my voice needed

no, my voice must

rise up

speak up

be heard

I ate my voice

knowing

only I can set it free

but I wanted so desperately

for someone else

to unlock

the recipe

keeping my silence

measured out

in carefully packaged words

that do not ring

true

I wanted someone else

to open

the door

to my voice

I ate my voice today

and I am tired

tired of feasting on my words

never spoken

I am tired of being full

of nothing

but regret

keeping me eating

the truth…

I ate my voice

looking for the perfect

word

or way

to say

I’ve had enough

No thank you

I’m done

eating my words

I’m done

not listening

to me

Speak Up.