The fire inside

Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God. A Course In Miracles

I carry with me this morning the joy that came from forgiveness yesterday. A lightness of being. A deeper sense of peace.

I carry with me this morning my past, my dreams, my desires, my fears and trepidations. I carry with me all that I am, all that I have, all that I know, all that I see.

And that which I carry is nothing. The only meaning that it has is the meaning I give it.

I have begun working through A Course In Miracles. It is a course I have wanted to do for many years -- and kept forgetting about, or was too busy to think about. I first heard about it in my thirties when a girlfriend was working through it. It sounded interesting but, I was busy. Living. Doing. Being whatever I was filling my time with at the time.

In December, a woman wrote and told me she had started the course but decided to wait and start it January 1. Hmmm. That sounded like a good idea and then I forgot about it. She wrote me Jan 2 and mentioned it again. It still seemed like a good idea and I decided to do it then. Order it online and start the process.

ACIM is a year long process. I'm excited about it -- and then I remind myself, whatever emotion I vest in my anticipation, means nothing. It is just the meaning I am vesting in it to give it meaning to me.

This morning while I was meditating, thoughts from ACIM drifted through my mind. "Whatever meaning you vest in the past, is your creation. You designated an event good, bad, indifferent. You created its meaning," my inner voice whispered.

Some time ago, there was a survey of individuals living in a senior's lodge. Each individual was asked to answer the question, "What would you do differently if you could live your life over?" A hypothetical question given that they had each come to this place because they could no longer live on their own. No longer be independent. There was no chance of going back to re-write the story of their lives. There was no going back.

With few exceptions, each person answered, "I'd try the things I was afraid to try. Take more risks to make my dreams come true."

I am afraid to ask for what I want. My fear is based on a belief that does not serve me. But, I have invested a lot of time and energy into making that belief true for me. Because I fear asking for what I want, I do not ask for what I want and because I do not ask for what I want, I live with disappointment in not getting what I want.

I am teaching myself to do the things I fear -- I am a fearless woman.

I have a dream -- and I am afraid to take the risk to make my dream come true.

I need to ask for help in making my dream come true and I'm afraid to ask for what I want.

Do you see my conundrum? Do you see the circle of self-defeating behaviours my belief -- asking for what I want is scary -- creates?

I learned to be afraid of asking for what I want when I was a child. It doesn't serve me well as an adult. But, because I've embedded it in my psyche as a 'belief', asking for what I want means I could be disappointed. I could be let down. I could feel hurt -- which means, I avoid asking for what I want and assume the victim's position of "I don't need your help. I'll do it my way and do it anyway."

Except -- I often don't do it anyway. I become discouraged. Frustrated. Deflated because I have no one supporting me on my journey.

Now, going it alone is fine, if you're Tom Hanks living on a deserted island. But, in my real life, this life I'm living right now, going it alone is self-defeating. And while I'm an expert at struggling through it my own way -- just ask my mother. She used to always say to me, "The problem with you Louise is you always have to do it your way." -- going it alone does not get me more of what I want in my life.

It's so much better when I connect into the incredible energy of the world around me and create possibilities that support, love and cherish me. Energy that nurtures my highest intentions, my inner spirit and the world around me.

A new and dear friend shared a quote from The Idiot's Guide to Rumi. "Once the fire is lit inside, there’s no putting it out."

Yesterday, the fire of forgiveness was lit and I opened up to the possibilities of living life without having to do it perfectly.

In my imperfection, I can take the risks I fear to take, try the things I fear trying that will bring me closer to fulfilling my dreams.

With forgiveness at my core, steadily burning up regret and fear, I am inspired to ask for what I want, connect into the collective consciousness of our universe and let myself be supported by the world around me as I aspire to make my dreams come true.

The question is: Will you regret not taking the risks you could have taken to make your dreams come true? Are you willing to risk your happiness because your afraid to make a mistake?