Still Saturday.

Sandra Heska King's Still Saturday inspires me to "gaze long and drink deep" with her invitation to "pause after a busy week, move in quiet pilgrimage, maybe linger a while in some still place, and soak in the beauty of images and words."

If you'd like to join in the stillness and beauty of breathing quietly this Saturday, slip into Sandra's place and link up.

The Ocean Refuses No River

The ocean refuses no river.  Mirabai Ceiba

I listened to Mirabai Ceiba for the first time this morning singing their beautiful song of life, The Ocean. The opening line of the song really resonated -- The ocean refuses no river.

Ferry Crossing from Vancouver Island to Horsehoe Bay

I thought about life and my sometimes refusal, or resistance, to accept all that life offers. I thought about my desire to carve my path, regardless of life's terrain. To determine my course, regardless of life's flow, sometimes paddling upstream, sometimes drifting aimlessly in back eddies, steering along tributaries that take me further away from the ocean of life waiting to accept me, exactly the way I am.

And I breathe.

Last night in meditation I shared my experience of bliss with the group, of seeing the separation of personna (ego) and spirit, of knowing the separation is man-made, not universally directed, and I cried.

I seem to be crying a lot in meditation these days. Not tears of sorrow or sadness. Tears of stillness, of awakening, of knowing -- this is my one and only life.

Be the condition, Dal our meditation guide encourages me. Be the condition and let the rest fall away.

I breathe into being and become the condition I am. In the moment. Alive. At peace. Free. I breathe into the condition and become all that I am when I let fear fall away and surrender and fall into Love.

The universe refuses no life

Just as the ocean refuses no river, life refuses no spirit, God refuses no soul. No matter your belief, or colour of skin or size of your bank account or education, there is a sacred place for each of us within this universe. A sacred chant that sings of your beauty, your wonder, your brilliance. It is rising up within you, just as it rises up within me, calling out to your heart to dance free, to spin about and laugh and turn cartwheels. To sit in silence and dream. To leap for joy and be.

I experienced it last night in meditation. The universe refuses no life. And in that knowing is the truth -- That sacred knowing that this life, this beauty, this brilliance is mine, and yours and each of ours to live as best we can, as best we allow, in Love.

No matter how small, how big, how rusty or difficult, how tired or weary, how young or old, the universe refuses no life.

The ocean refuses no river.

The open heart refuses no Love. The open mind no knowing.

And life refuses no body, not me or you or him or her or them.

Life refuses no life.

In that acceptance, in that awareness is the knowing, deep and profound and healing. We are not alone. We are one with life flowing in the ocean of Love flowing all around.

Namaste.

Letting go, I become, that which I hold onto.

In the Soul of a Pilgrim course I studied during Lent, course moderator and Abbess of Abbey of the Arts, Christine Valters Paintner, asked in one of the lessons, "What if I truly believed the path before me was blessed?

And the muse answered -- There would be no misstep. Only beauty. Only the perfection of each step, in darkness and light.

It was a scary thought. To hold tru that each step before me was blessed. For, if I truly believed each step before me was blessed, I would dance in the light of Love. I would sing loud. I would laugh and spin about. I would embrace fearlessness in each step. I would not fear falling.

The Path is the Way, I wrote in my journal. Trusting in the Universe I find The Way to trust in me on the Path where each step unfolds as a blessing before me.

In her blog today at Rushing to Yoga, Marilee shares a beautiful and soul-stirring post on her encounter with the Dalai Lama and on letting go to become that which we are seeking -- Love. In her words I found myself remembering to sink back into that place where I know, deep within me, that all my seeking for understanding is just a way to keep myself busy from being all that I am.

When I let go of seeking, I open  my heart, my mind and my soul to being.

And in my being, I become, all that I am.

 May your day be filled with being all that you are when you stop trying to become all that you can be.

Namaste.

Family times and heart places

First Course Salad

C.C.'s daughter Mikaela is having a grand time eating her way through Paris. After a month and a half she has discovered more fabulous eateries, wine stops and hot chocolate vendors than even the most diehard gourmand imagined possible.

She tells the chronicles of her travels on her blog, Mikaela in Paris, and it is absolutely fabulous!  Those of us following her cannot help but comment when we chat -- OMG! Have you read Mikaela's new post? She is hysterical. She's so funny and charmingly neurotic! Wow! Can she write a good story.

Following her blog will keep you in stitches, and will make you hungry -- but it's okay to devour her words and photos because virtual food has no calories! Bonus!

C.C. behind a vase of tulips

Last night, family got together for a dinner Chez Jackie & Jim. The intent was to have 'everyone' there, which included the younger generations but.... the younger generations are all out busily living lives of wonder. Mikaela of course is in Paris. Alexis is in Vancouver, Liseanne is visiting a friend in Texas, Ryan was busy painting his brand new condo he just bought and Taylor was still living the excitement of his new CD which was released on Friday night -- and wow -- is he talented! His lyrics are outstanding and his voice a powerful blend of Jason Mraz and Cat Stevens (to my uncultured ears).

L'entree!

So, instead of many, we were five. And we still had fun. Jackie, my eldest sister, put together a feast that could have fed the many! Everything was delicious and visually stunning and the conversation was lively and the wine flowed velvety smooth.

Which goes to prove, we don't need the younger generation to have a good time!  Even in our dotage we can do it up right!  :)

Oh. But I should mention. C.C. and I left at 9 and I was in bed by 10....

At the Heart of our Family
is a shared meal!

Okay, so if we were of another era, the evening would just have been beginning and we would have been out tripping the light fantastic!

Whew! Another bullet dodged. I always end up tripping over the light fantastic and landing in a heap of not so fantastic grace!

It was a great evening even without the younger set. In the laughter and the talk was the circle of love family represents. A circle that cannot be broken no matter how far apart we roam.

Still Saturday

In Sandra Heska King's invitation to join in Still Saturday, she writes:

 "Welcome to Still Saturday where we pause after a busy week, move in quiet pilgrimage, maybe linger a while in some fragrant place, and soak in the beauty of images and words. We’d love for you to join us. Get the details above, grab your favorite button, and link up below. We all love to hear if something especially speaks to your heart, but please don’t feel pressured to comment. Simply take some time to gaze long and drink deep."

Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance.  Morgan Freeman

Let me do in Love

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears."

--John Vance Cheney,
  Poet and Essayist

I cried last night. It was during meditation. The beauty and exquisite nature of my journey brought tears to my eyes.

At the end of the meditation, Dal, our guide asked, "Louise. What do you know?"

I dried the tears on my cheeks and replied. "Resistance is futile. I am. Love is."

It was one of those moments of utter clarity. Of knowing. Of being.

We spend our lives struggling to make sense of our lives. We spend time and energy doing whatever we can to create value in our world. To live on purpose. To be of significance.

All of these things are important. They are our journey and they make a difference in the quality of our journey -- but not our existence. For, no matter what we do or become or say or acquire or create, when all the doing, all the struggle to be, to have purpose, to know our 'raison d'etre' is over, one irrefutable truth remains. We are. Love is.

No matter what we do, when we leave this earth, when our bodies dissolve into tiny atoms of matter, it matters not to the Universe what we did or had or created. What matters is that we shone, as brightly as possible. What matters is -- we were and always will be, Love.

It was so clear to me in my meditation. The energy. The beauty. The profound depth of our exquisite nature. We are. Love is.

And in this journey of our lifetimes, what we do in our daily lives enhances the quality of our journey. Never the quality of our essence. For always, our essence is perfect. Our beings are divine.

It is the eternal impulse to create, to evolve, to grow, to become that we honour in our travels through life. It is the eternal urge to shine, to cast light, to cast off the darkness that moves us in our journey.

I saw it yesterday on my walk with Ellie. In spite of the snow and cool temperatures of the past couple of days, the crocus have continued to push up through the grass, up towards the sky and are now sprouting beautiful purple flowers. Their urge to create, to become, to be is a continuous cycle of life and death which, regardless of the conditions around them, they cannot resist. And in their blossoming, for a few short days/weeks, they create beauty in our world, making way for the other blossoms to follow.

Two weeks ago when I was out at the coast, spring was in full bloom. It is past now. The blossoms have turned green, the continual urge to create fruit, to create new continues.

The Nature of Love

Here at the foot of the Rockies, spring is just beginning. And the eternal impulse to evolve, to create, to grow continues on.

In my life, I have struggled to create matter, to be of significance, to make a difference. It matters not how I struggle. Resistance is futile.

I am. Love is.  Life goes on.

And when I am gone, all I can leave behind is -- Love.

When I am gone, the space I have filled with my being here will remain as its true nature -- Love.

And in that knowing I am comforted. It isn't about 'what' I do, it's about how I do it.

May I do In Love all that I create In Life.

Namaste.

Ellie: The Wonder Pooch

Ellie and Alexis (2001)

A friend asked me a question yesterday. Three actually.

Josie on yesterday's blog asked:  What is the story of Ellie's relationship with you, how did she handle the hard years, and how do you see her changing as she gets older?


I pondered the questions and then, on the Soul of a Pilgrim community forum, one of the participants wrote in response to a photo I'd posted of Ellie,  "Dogs are the best spiritual directors ever, and [her dog] constantly and patiently shows me how to live, how to stay present to "now," how to pay attention to what matters and let everything else go.  "God" truly is "Dog" spelled backwards! "

Ellie 2003

Ellie is named after Ella Fitzgerald. We got her the day my eldest daughter, Alexis, tried out for The Young Canadians of the Calgary Stampede. While she was in the audition hall, Liseanne and I sat in the lobby, the newspaper spread out between us. I read news articles while Liseanne circled ads for Golden Retriever puppies.


Here's a perfect one, she said, showing me the ad for a breeder who had retriever puppies for sale.




When Alexis got out of her audition, she was in tears. "I was awful!" she cried.




Liseanne, accustomed to her sister's negative pronouncements of her auditions, ignored her cries and proudly showed her the ad. "I've found our Golden Retriever puppy!" she said. 


Both girls looked at me. Their eyes wide and pleading. "Can we go see them now? Please?"


I acquiesced. Seriously? Who could resist two sets of big brown eyes?


And the rest is history. Ellie was the runt of the litter. She only wanted to cuddle. She only wanted to be held.

Ellie 2010

Alexis got her coveted place with the young Canadians and four weeks later Ellie came home to us. A bundle of joy that has continued to give and be present in our lives, through dark days and golden moments.



It was Ellie who would sit beside me in the dark of a closet during those dark hours of that relationship where I wanted to die. She would sit beside me, her warm body leaning into me as I cried and held onto her for my life.


And when I was lost and wanted to kill myself during every waking moment, it was her presence that kept reminding me I couldn't. I was lost to my daughters and believed, or so I told myself, they were better off without me, but without me, I couldn't risk what he would do to Ellie.



I had to stay alive.


Ellie is my spiritual director. My guide. My constant companion. She warms my heart, and my bed. She likes it when C.C. is away because she gets to occupy his side of the bed. 



She has run with me, walked with me and crawled with me as I moved beyond the terror of those days into the light of life today.

Ellie and Me 2012

She continues to run, walk and crawl with me as we both get older. She continues to guide me, keep me present and grounded. But no longer does she need to sit in dark closets with me. I no longer have the need to hide. With Ellie by my side, I have moved out of the darkness into the light. I am blessed by her presence.            
            
She is  my angel.

In the moment of where I am

In this vast space nudged up against the Rockies, spring comes late. This week, snow fell, ice melted. Water flowed. The first delicate pussy willows burst open. 

Spring is in the air.

Still nippy, the spring air brushes my cheeks with a tint of cool and I remember. YES! I am alive.

Alive!

What a glorious, spectacular, sensational feeling.

I walked along the ridge over looking the river, the Rockies shrouded in billowy grey clouds clinging to their ridges with the tenacity of winter snow clinging to the edge of the river waters flowing freely. Ellie, the wonder pooch, and I walked down the hillside, sliding in the mud and grit. At the bottom, Ellie ran into the river and splashed about as I built a rock tower at the edge of the water, a guardian of the river's journey to the sea, a talisman for my heart.

We climbed back up to the ridge and I searched for signs of spring amidst the grasses turning green. And yesterday, I spied my first crocus of the year pushing its way up through the earth. 

I sat on the ridge, let the cool breeze caress my cheeks as Ellie snuffled in the grasses. I'm sure she was a horse, or maybe a cow in a former life. She eats grass with the same vigilance.

I sat on the ridge and meditated, letting my body sink into ease and tranquility. I sat on the ridge and let my thoughts flow out like the river flowing below me. We are on the easterly side of the Great Divide here. Waters flow into Hudson's Bay, thousands of miles away. I thought of the waters flowing, ever flowing eastward, into the Bay to mingle with the waters of life flowing all around me.

Water doesn't flow backwards, my eldest daughter once said to me. 


We can never go back. Always forward. Always moving effortlessly through this moment to the next. Like the river below, flowing ever onward towards the sea.

I cannot go back in time. I can only be in this moment. Move from this moment forward to arrive at another moment in time, in the future. Never in the past.

"The point of traveling is not

to arrive but to return home

laden with pollen you shall work up

into honey the mind feeds on."

R.S. Thomas

The point of all this traveling is not to 'arrive' writes R.S.Thomas.

I sit on the ridge and imagine, if I were a traveler arriving here in this moment, what would I see? Sunshine filtered through clouds. Winter grass turning green. A woman. Sitting quietly on a ridge. A golden haired dog wandering through the grasses. A river flowing. Trees standing silent sentinel along the ridge. Golden grasses blowing in the breeze. And life. Every where life. Moving. Flowing. Being.

I sat on a ridge and let the sunsoaked air breathe upon my skin.

I sat on a ridge and knew, no matter where I was, I am home within myself when I let myself be present in the moment of being where ever I am.

Sunday Somethings full of Fun! (The Piano Guys video)

I love music and I especially enjoy The Piano Guys.

I found a new video by them this morning that made me smile and laugh out loud. And... at the end of it, if you click on the little box in the bottom right hand corner, you'll keep getting surprises and enjoyment from them!

Always Begin Again (a poem)

In the Abbey of the Arts, Soul of a Pilgrim, online Lenten art retreat I took (and am still finishing -- and yes, I know Lent is past), one of the most profound things the course leader Christine Valters Paintner wrote at the beginning was that no matter what happened, how long we strayed from the coursework -- because we all would, it is human -- Always Begin Again.

yesterday morning, rain fell and droplets clung to the branches of the pine tree outside my office window -- I must add that the temperature was predicted to climb -- up.

The weather had a different agenda and by mid-afternoon, after springlike rains all morning, snow covered the ground in a wet, heavy blanket.

I took a photo in the morning, wrote a poem and later took a photo in my back yard.

Go figure!  This is spring in Calgary. Wait five minutes and all will change -- you can never get bored with the weather here. It's always full of surprises.

Morning raindrops.

Afternoon snow flakes.

Love Always Wins

Everything you own should have value, either because it's functional or beautiful or you just love it. Peter Walsh

What an interesting question -- to look at what clutters my office, my home, my life and ask, "What value does this bring to my life? Is it functional, beautiful, or do I simply love it for no reason other than it fills me with joy, peace, gentleness...?"

As I prepare to shift my world the value of the objects and things in my life take on added meaning. Big shifts are in the winds. Big changes are a'comin'.

We are preparing to sell our home. 

I am readying myself to move cities.

There, I've said it.

It's official.

I am moving.

C.C., my beloved has been living in Saskatoon for the past year. His intent was to move his head office back here to Calgary sooner, rather than later, but, his success and busy-ness in Saskatoon has made it a challenge to even think about relocating head office at this time. 

And so, after much discussion, pondering, weighing of options, ideas and alternatives we have decided to relocate our home to Saskatoon.

A big move. A big change. A big difference.

A big adventure.

I am excited. Nervous. Scared. Uneasy. And, filled with anticipation.

I have no idea what the future will bring -- I do know that in this moment, I am willing and able to make this move because...

Love always wins.

And Love is what I value most in my life.

Being apart has been part of the adventure of our relationship. Being apart has held value for both of us. It has helped us understand the importance of our relationship. It has deepened our commitment to being together. It has given rise for us to find new and meaningful ways to deepen intimacy, to treasure moments spent together, to invest in 'we' time everyday.

It has not been easy this past year. 

It has not been hard.

It has been what it is -- a time when our living arrangements shifted, when we both shifted how we communicate, how we connect, how we are -- as partners and lovers. As two people in a committed relationship sharing distance and time together.

I am moving and in the move I will take with me the things I value most -- those tangible effects of my life that add value -- stripping away the clutter that consumes space, I shall divest myself of the unnecessary to carry only that which is necessary for me to be surrounded by the things I love most in life.

Yet, it is not the things that make my life so rich. It is the people I hold dear. The people who fill my heart and my world with such love and joy my heart is always breaking open in love. And while in the moving I shall be physically moving away from the people I love most in the world I know we shall never be apart because I carry them always in my heart.

And as C.C. reminds me, "They are only an hour's flight away."

Big changes are a'happenin'. And I am valuing the time to reflect, to divest and to connect with what I value most in my life -- the people who add such richness and joy and love to my world.

And in the continuing adventure of my life, I carry with me the richness of my world in the people who fill my heart with love with every breath I take.

I'm moving cities and in my heart I know, no matter where I am, Love always wins. 

Come Alive!

I spent a week in the magic and wonder of Gabriola Island, taking a course at The Haven. To the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore, the seagulls squawking and the sea lions barking, I dove into the depths of my psyche, pondering the questions of what drives me to do and be who I am in the world.

Having coached for almost six years in Choices, I wasn't sure what I would find, or uncover in the Come Alive program. Isn't there a finite point of 'knowing' about me, myself and I? Isn't there a point of  'enough about me, let's get on with living' in personal development? I didn't know what to expect and entered the retreat open to expecting the unexpected.

I was not disappointed.

Driving out to the coast, crossing the Coquahalla Highway in snow and rain and sleet, I was almost side-swiped by a semi-trailer hauling a load of logs. It began to veer left and right, left and right just as I was passing it on an incline. Frightened by the combination of the sideways movement of its trailer load of logs and the icy road, I was hesitant to speed up. But, as its fishtailing became more and more exaggerated I pressed on the gas and sped in front of it. Looking back in my rear view mirror, I saw the trailer portion slip into the lane beside it. The lane I would have been in if I had not sped up.

I carried on, the image of the semi fishtailing imprinted on my mind.

Normally, 'near misses' are simply that to me -- misses. They didn't happen. Let it go.

But this one stuck around. I didn't know why, but I could feel it eating away at my peace of mind.

At the Haven, during an exercise in breathing, the memory of that event swept over me and tears flowed from my eyes. "I must be relieved it didn't happen. It must be the release of remembering," I thought. But, as I dug into the feelings surrounding my tears, 'the truth' rose up.

For almost five years while in a relationship with a man who wanted to kill me, I yearned for death. Even after his arrest, tendrils of that yearning would appear luring me away from life. In seeing that semi swerve into my lane it wasn't that I was grateful to be alive (which I am), it was that I feared those tendrils of wishing for death to release me from life still existed somewhere within me.

I breathed. Deeply.

"We can explore this deeper," one of the facilitators invited me when I mentioned what I believed to be true of my fear.

And so I did. Explore it more deeply. And in my exploration I came face to face with death, and life. I came face to face with the lure of 'no more' pain, sorrow, fear, loneliness.... and embraced life -- in all its uncertainty, all its beauty, all its life-giving force.

And in that embrace I chose to cut the threads of deaths cloying breath  to free myself to live this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now.

Life is a choice. Always. And in every way. It is a choice to be present, to be aware, to be awake. Life is the choice I make when I step over the threshold of my fear I am not good enough, I am not enough, I am too small, too big, too young, too old, too less, too much, too anything other than who I am, in this moment right now. Fearlessly. Passionately. Completely Alive.

I spent a week at The Haven, exploring, delving in, opening up to Come Alive.

I am grateful. I am peaceful. I am Alive!

In This Place, there is only love.

In this place, there are hearts breaking. Open.

In this place, there are dreams dying, to awaken.

In this place, there is only love. Waiting. Patiently.

I am at The Haven. A beautiful, serene, and healing place on the water. Ocean breezes waft in from the waters lapping tranquilly at the shore, carrying with them the stories of far off places. Stories of loves lost and found, of  distant shores explored and far-away harbours yet to be visited.

This is a magical place and in its mystical waters, I find myself coming home, once again, to who I have always been, have always been called to be. Because in this place, I am all of me. Dark and light. Yin and yang. Beauty and the beast. In this place, I am Love. I am all that I am meant to be. Can be. Want to be. Because, I am.

I have come here, not knowing why. It is a gift from someone I love. A gift to cherish. To hold onto. To let go of. To be within and experience the unfolding of what is. To witness its unveiling. To witness what is being revealed, uncovered, disclosed from within me as I follow the gentle and loving steps of our guides leading me deeper into the forest of memory, of possibility, of the promise of what can be when I let go of believing the darkness of the past is where the light shines brightest.

It is in the light I find the courage to shine. It is in the light of loving myself as I am, I find the promise of being all that I can be when I embrace that this is not as good as it gets.

There is always possibility.

There is always the promise of more. Of openness expanding. Of horizons widening.

Yesterday, I told a small group of people that I feel so incredibly blessed in my life. That is a beautiful way to be, someone answered. And it's true. It is.

I am blessed.

Through all the storms I've weathered, through all the rocky ground and turbulent seas I've crossed, I keep coming home to me. To the one I am. The one I have always wanted to be.

In my Soul of a Pilgrim course I am taking at Abbey of the Arts, we are invited to explore death and dying this week.

The past dies every minute, yet in memory, I keep it alive. To transform the past, I must let go of believing it exists today, in this world. 

The past doesn't exist today. It is gone.

What remains of the past is simply the value, the meaning I place in it today. It is in my power to transform what was into love and joy today. And in that love I become blessed by all that life has to offer in this moment, right now.

I am at The Haven. I am in Love.

Diving In!

Rain is falling this morning. Soft. Misty. Magical.

And I am at peace, in love, in tranquility.

Perhaps it's the Island air. Perhaps just the fact I am beside the ocean. Doesn't matter why. That is how I feel. At peace. In Love.

I am on Gabriola Island -- a little bit of paradise on earth -- and finding myself intrigued, and scared by the course I'm taking. I'm used to being 'in charge'. Or at least, having a purpose that doesn't entail me doing the work, but rather guiding others to do the work.

Being the student means being open to whatever happens. Last night, as I drove home to my sister's house from The Haven, the retreat centre where the Come Alive course takes place, I let the resistance inside me rise up and scream itself out into the night.

Seriously! Why do I want to keep digging. keep unravelling the mystery that is me? Isn't enough enough?

Truth is, I am always enough.

Truth is also.... if better is possible, is good good enough.

Being here, doing this coursework isn't about making myself better. It's about opening myself up further to the wonder and beauty and mystery and possibility of my life.

It means diving deep into my internal landscape to unlock those hidden caverns where my magnificence hides out in voices of self-doubt and hesitation.

It means, unleashing all of me so that I can truly live freely in the rapture and wonder of this moment, right now where I am alive, and living life fearlessly, passionately and completely free.

I am diving in this morning. Delving deeper and coming up for air, breathing freely of the beauty and wonder and joy of being me in a world full of mystery and magic. In a world where I am open to the miracles happening all around me.

Yeah. I may know resistance, but my will and desire to live my life open and free draw me into courage to move beyond my fear into life, right now, right now, breathing deeply of the sea air because this is my one precious life to live. And how I do it is up to me.

Let me do it in total Love with me, my life and everyone in it!

Nameste.

Gabriola Island and Mark is Musing (guest blog)

I am on Gabriola Island, about to commence a week of self-discovery at The Haven -- Come Alive.

Surrounded by the beauty of forest and ocean, the Island embraced me with its welcoming grace last night. My sister is here with me until tomorrow when she will return to the mainland leaving Ellie, the wonder pooch, and I to explore the internal and external environment.

I am blessed.

This morning, over at A Year of Making a Difference, the amazingly talented and giving Mark Kolke shares his insight and inspiration on how volunteering makes a difference in our lives and our world. Please do pop over and say hello. He'll sure appreciate your presence, as will I. And you too will be joining in the creative power of making a difference in our world.

While here on Gabriola, Internet access is only at a local cafe, so my online time is limited. I'm excited about the course starting tonight though and can't wait to share my adventures and discoveries with all of you.

Do drop back during the week either here or over at A Year of Making a Difference.

I'm looking to be 'made different' throughout this week!  :)  Not that I want to be 'different', but there's always something new to discover when I journey into my internal world of who am I and what am I doing to create a world of difference all around me?

Hope you have a beautiful and enchanting week.

Nameste