Late today. Our internet service is out of commission at home, seems many quadrants of the city are under siege! -- I actually came into the office ofr awhile which is an adventure in and of itself.

Be back later today!

Hearts engage.

You can buy a person's hands but you can't buy his heart. His heart is where his enthusiasm, his loyalty is. Stephen Covey

A friend phones and asks, "Everything okay? You haven't posted this morning yet."

It's nice to have friends who care. It's good to know someone is listening. Thanks!

My youngest daughter comes home from a night out with friends that turned into a disaster. Two young men fight. Blood sheds and police sirens screech. In the end, everyone is 'okay'. Lessons learned. Hearts filled with fear. Hearts broken open in love. "You have to give D. a hug," my daughter tells me. "She sure kept it all together. She's learned a lot working at the shelter."

C.C. doesn't come home as expected. A friend in need has decided to shed his own blood. Sirens screech. The friend will live. His heart is broken. His wounds will heal. His heart will keep engaging him with life.

Hearts engage and disengage. Pound in fear. Beat a gentle tattoo of love. Minds tune in. Tune out. Turn off. Turn up.

Engage. Disengage.

What makes the difference between a heart connected? What makes one man fear living enough to seek a way out at his own hands?

C.C. is upset. He was there. He did the best he could. I shouldn't have let him go to the bathroom alone. He said.

You couldn't have known. I told him. Because you were there, he is getting the help he needs. He is alive this morning. Because you were there, someone's father, son, brother, uncle, cousin is alive today. You did the absolute best you could.

Engage. Disengage.

Long ago, I once believed there was only one solution. To end it. To stop the pain I had to stop my life.

And I couldn't do it. I believed I only had one truth left in my life at that time. I desperately wanted the surcease. Desperately. I loved my daughters and could not make a lie of that truth. I am grateful today that my love kept me from taking that final step. And still, I desperately wanted it. Death that is. Desperately wanted to end my pain. To make it stop. Desperately wanted my heart to quit beating. My mind to quit going around and around in circles.

I had love to pull me through. Love to sustain me.

Just as C.C.s friend had someone there last night who cared enough to pull him through.

For those of us in the light, it is hard to understand how dark it can get for someone who has lost their way. All we can do is keep casting our light to light their way back home to their hearts, where love and enthusiasm and trust and loyalty and hope live.

We cannot stop their pain. We can only be there when they call and be grateful when we get there in time to engage them in our heartfelt prayer that they will come out of the darkness into the light.

Nameste

Accepting life as it is

We must let go of the life we planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell

Life is always waiting. Just around the corner. Just around the next bend. At the top of the mountain, at the bottom of the sea. Life is always waiting for us to catch up, to let go, to jump in.

What holds us back?

It was a question posed by my lovely friend AR last night. What keeps holding me back from accepting I am worthy? Worthy of love. Worthy of being the magnificent human being I am. Worthy of living the life of my dreams.

What holds me back?

Perhaps it is that I am waiting for life to arrive as planned. On schedule. On time. In a format compatible with my thinking. Perhaps, in my waiting for that moment to arrive when I am 'all fixed up', all better, all perfect, all I am meant to be, I am avoiding turning up for me -- exactly the way I am today. Loving myself as I am in this moment, without waiting for me, myself and I to catch up to who I want to be, where I want to be in some magic moment in the future when it all makes sense.

There is no sense to the nonsense of avoiding loving myself for all I'm worth -- except for the senselessness of holding myself back from experiencing this one wild and passionate life as if it's the only life I've got to live. It is.

Perhaps it all comes down to acceptance.

Acceptance that -- this truly is my one and only life and I am the architect of my destiny. I am the driver at the wheel. The helmsman charting my course.

Acceptance that who I am is okay -- in all my humanness, beauty and warts and all.

The quality of my life is not determined by how well I wait for life to happen. The quality of my life is determined by how well I live this moment, right now.

Happiness happens when I take charge of my thinking, my words, my actions -- and make everything I do, everything I think, say, feel a reflection of the wonder and mystery and magic of me.

When do I determine it's time? When I turn up for me and take charge.

I determine my life. Life does not determine me.

The question is: What's in it for you to let life determine your journey? What's in it for you to keep doing what you've always done to hold off on living this one wild and passionate life fearlessly in love with who you are for all you're worth?

In the moment of now

The past does not define you, the present does. Jillian Michaels

...and the present is always dependent upon what I make of it, how I respond to what is happening in and around my life and how I deal with the 'stuff' of daily living.

I was at the Cast Clinic this morning to have my stitches out and the cast put on my foot. Okay, so, it's a pretty purple thing -- and did I mention it hurt? I hadn't eaten breakfast and almost passed out when the technician took out the final threads. They were embedded and man, did that hurt. C.C. teased me and called me a baby. I contemplated hitting him with my newly encased in plaster foot, but worried it might hurt me more than him!

In the past, I was always defining myself by what other people thought of me.

As a wise friend wrote to me yesterday, "...it appears to me that the flaw is that she is choosing to look for love in all the wrong places. Shouldn't she love herself first then nothing and no one doesn't matter."

Absolutely.

It is what I struggle with everyday. To love myself enough to be me in all kinds of weather, regardless of storms blowing around me or earth moving beneath my feet. To stay grounded in my truth without losing myself in someone else's embrace. The truth is: I am one magnificent human being on the journey of my lifetime, in love with being who I am, beauty and the beast living contentedly within me.

Today is a day of rest. Of laying low, as my doctor called it to give myself the space to heal.

One thing about all this time on my hands, I've got lots of time to surrender and fall in love in the moment of now.

And that's what I'm going to do, right now, in this moment. Be in love with who I am and how I am right now.

Nameste.

Reality Is what I make it

May the gates to possibility continue swinging wide open for you. Brendon Burchard

I watched a webinar yesterday by Brendon Bouchard, founder of Experts Academy. It was enlightening and inspiring. One of the things he said, which resonated with me, was why he does what he does. Why he feels it's important to educate and inspire others to become experts in the coaching/speaking/teaching arena -- It's not just about making money, he said. It's about being of service. Of sincerely wanting to make a difference in the world, no matter how small or great.

Later, I watched Forever Strong. The movie was recommended by Brian Willis at Winning Mind Training. And I concur with Brian's thoughts about this film. It is well worth watching.

That's the thing about having time to refresh and restore. I have the time and the space to learn and watch and read and grow.

In the busy busy of daily living, I have been remiss in letting slide my efforts to keep learning, to keep acquiring new knowledge and to keep deepening the knowledge I have. In his webinar, Brandon Burchard compared it to digging a hole looking for gold. Most people, he opines, dig a bit, find nothing, and move on to another hole. People who want to learn and perfect their skills and knowledge, keep digging until there's nothing left of the hole to dig. They keep deepening their understanding of what's in the ground, bringing up the dirt to reveal the 'truth' of what they've found.

The gold isn't in the dirt. The gold is in what we make of what we dig up.

Life's a dirty business. Get digging.

After watching the webinar and then the movie, I started thinking about, reality. What is it? What do I make of it? How do I make it work for me?

See, there's all sorts of positions on reality -- mine, yours, and everyone else's. Lots of perspectives, and lots of stories on why it is the way it is and why it keeps us from having the life of our dreams.

Reality is -- it is what we make it.

Lying here with my foot up in a cast, watching the birds flutter about the birdfeeder, reality is, I am not free to just get up and go out and do the things I want to do. Reality is also, I am free to do the things I want to do right here. To delve into learning more, deepening my understanding of what it is I can do to bring light into the world, to be of service, to create a world of possibilities where dreams come true because each and everyone of us has learned the truth of who we are -- magnificent human beings on the journey of our lifetime. Miracles of life creating a world of joy and wonder.

It is a gloomy day outside, but inside I am alight with energy and hope and love. The best way to be, no matter the weather.

The question is: How are you lighting up your day? Are you walking freely through open doors embracing possibility?

The 100% accountability factor

All forms of self-defeating behavior are unseen and unconscious, which is why their existence is denied. Vernon Howard

I don't deny it. I have many self-defeating behaviours that I indulge in -- And I know they're not to my betterment. But I still indulge.

Stopping self-defeating games can be challenging. Before I even realize I'm at it, the behaviour has manifested itself in some action or word, or even thought, that undermines what I want more of in my life, leaving me with less. And less, is generally in the opposite direction of what I want.

Take my desire for intimacy with C.C. as an example. When he does something that triggers my feelings of being less than, or unimportant, I have a tendency to retreat into silence (okay sulking). Rather than face my feelings and tell him what's happening for me, I clam up and 'pretend' it doesn't matter to me. Thing is, it matters big time and my self-defeating behaviour is interfering with my truth.

When I was married, my husband used to want to climb and hike and ski and spend time in the mountains every available moment. Which meant, we seldom spent a weekend in the city. We seldom did any of the things around the house that needed doing -- the things I liked to do to create a warm and loving home. We seldom just 'vegged out' and relaxed together.

After our daughters arrived, he still wanted to spend every available moment in the mountains. I wanted to spend time at home. The outcome -- he went to the mountains. I stayed home more and more often with the girls and eventually, we went our separate ways. Okay, so it was more complex than that but the outcome was still the same. I engaged in self-defeating behaviours, as did he, and we never did connect through open and honest sharing of our hearts' desires.

My self-defeating behaviour in all of that was to sacrifice what I wanted most -- a loving, intimate relationship where we both felt supported, connected and competent. By not being vulnerable or open about what I was feeling, thinking, 'seeing' in where we were at. I was playing the game of 'get them before they get me', 'silence is violence', 'I'm not worthy'. Any game I play where truth and honesty, openness and kindness are not the foundation of everything I do and say, leaves me feeling -- you got it -- 'less than'.

When faced with those delicate moments when I feel myself retreating, I have the choice of being honest, in a mature and adult manner. Often, if I let myself fall into my self-defeating behaviours, I retreat into silence, stuffing my 'feelings' down with victim thinking like.... 'what's the point? Nobody listens to me. My feelings are not justified. I'm being overly sensitive. I need to grow up. There's no value in rocking the boat. My thoughts on the matter don't count....' And on and on the circle goes as I dig myself into a vat of silence that drowns out all rational and mature thought. My strength and courage becomes drowned beneath the force of my belief -- it's not my fault. If they didn't.... (fill in the blank with whatever they're doing that upsets me), I wouldn't be so....(fill in the blank with a negative feeling).

In my silence, I become my fears -- my voice has no value. I have no value. I have no right to speak up and be heard.

In my fears, I act less than capable of being all that I am meant to be.

In acting less than, I devalue myself and the relationship. I become the problem I fear the most. I become a sulky, inarticulate child in a woman's body, plotting ways to 'get even'.

So, how's that for a positive way to be?

Reality is -- I don't have to be any of those things -- unless I choose to be them.

It is always my choice.

To stop the tide of negative thinking leading me further along the path of self-defeating behaviours, I must STOP and take account of what I'm doing/thinking/feeling.

Is it true?

Is it really true? or, Is it what I am choosing to believe?

What would happen for me if I chose to believe the opposite? What would I feel if I chose to let go of feeling... less than, unimportant, insignificant, hurt, angry, upset by........ whatever someone else did to 'make' me feel the way I am feeling?

Reality is, no one can 'make' me feel anything. I choose my response 100% of the time. Sure, sometimes my responses are unconscious choices -- and I still choose 100% of the time how I will respond to my choices.

One of my unconscious chooses is to feel 'put out' when C.C. says he'll call and forgets. Feeling 'put out' leaves me unsettled, disgruntled and miffed. I don't like any of those feelings.

Knowing C.C., his forgetting to call is not about 'not loving me enough to do the right thing, no matter how engrossed or involved in what he's doing that he loses all track of time'. Forgetting to call really is about his being engrossed.

The story I tell myself is very different. I tell myself -- he doesn't think about me when he's not with me. I'm not important to him. I don't count.

And in that spiral of my negative story-telling, I create a place where angst and dissatisfaction grow. I create my worst fears.

The reality is -- C.C. calls when he says he will, most of the time. Reality is, I know he loves me.

Reality is -- my less than feelings trip me up and I end up falling into a vat of self-pity. It is in that place that I create my problems -- because when he does call, I do not hear him with an open and loving heart. I only hear him through my anger and angst of feeling 'less than'. I let go of being 100% accountable for me, myself and I and make him accountable for how I am acting out.

Being honest, being open and loving require me to let go of my self-defeating games -- doesn't mean the other person has to or even will quit playing their self-defeating games. But, the opportunity for them to do so is greater when I am acting with integrity and not acting out.

The question is: Are you indulging in self-defeating games and keeping yourself from the intimacy you desire? Are you willing to be vulnerable and face the truth of your 100% accountability?

Outside the box of my limited thinking

The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. B.B. King

I thought he was just a squirrel-brain. You know, not too bright, continually doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome.

I watched him climb up the tree, out onto the limb from which the birdfeeder is suspended and try to climb down the string hooking it to the tree. And every time, he'd get a few inches down, desperately try to hang on and end up catapulted into midair to land, fleet of foot on the ground below.

"Silly squirrel," I laughed to myself as. I watched him inspecting the ground, looking for feed. "He's trying to hide his embarrassment by pretending he can find food on the ground."

And then he'd climb up and repeat the same action. Again and again and again. Climb up. Out on a limb. Tentatively climb down. Catapult. Scurry about... Climb up. Out on a limb. Tentatively climb down. Scurry about...Climb up. Out on a limb... Five times. Six times. Ten times. He kept repeating the routine.

And then it struck me. He's not stupid at all. His intent is to be swung from the feeder so that it tips to the side, spilling its contents onto the grass below.

It was a feeding frenzy of the inspired kind.

He was doing the same thing again and again, expecting the same outcome.

I don't know when he figured out that it was futile to try to get onto the feeder. But, he did. And in the process, discovered an inventive way to get the food to come to him.

Very clever.

I was humbled. What had appeared obvious stupidity to me was actually inventive brilliance.

I learned something from my backyard squirrel this morning. I learned that what appears to be at first blush 'stupidity', is not necessarily so. Judging someone, or something, on my narrow perspective of what is true or real, i.e. there's only one way to get food from a birdfeeder and that's to sit on the ledge and peck it out -- limits my thinking.

Where else in my life do I look at a situation and think -- this is the way it should be, is designed to be, is meant to be -- and then limit my options by limiting my belief of what is possible?

There are a myriad of ways to tackle a problem. For that squirrel, he knew his limitations of flight inhibited his ability to land on the feeder. So, he got inventive. And in his inventiveness, discovered a whole new way of getting what he wanted.

Maybe I can do the same thing too.

The question is: Are you limiting your options by looking only for the obvious? Are you boxing up a problem and telling yourself, 'there's only one way to solve it'? Are you willing to take a swing at tipping the box over and seeing what pours out?